It’s that time of the Apocalypse calendar again. Zombie outbreaks loom on the horizon and here at Uncle Jerry’s Kitchen, we take these things seriously. In this edition I’m going to give you a few pointers for ways that common pantry items could help save you and your family during a possible zombie outbreak. Read carefully, this information could save your life.
This information is presented in no specific order of importance. I know that not all pantries contain the same ingredients, so I’ll try to be as general as possible, hoping that I can cover at least a few of the items that you might already have at hand during a trying time like this…
- Cooking Oils:
Not just for a quick sauté in the face of the walking dead! All Cooking oils, whether they be vegetable or animal based, have a number of uses.
- They’re slippery. Zombies aren’t generally all that bright, so coating any ramps or other solid sloped surfaces in a good bit of oil or shortening should at the very least slow the buggers down for a good while
- Oils burn! Get any oil hot enough and it will burn. Pour said burning oil down that greased incline or over second story walls for your own version of Greek fire and you’ll have some deep-fried undead, rather than the kind that is still trying to render you into a menu item. (Deep fried braaaaains… Not appetizing, but oh-so satisfying!)
- Liquors and other hard alcohol:
Sure, both of these will help you pass the time while you wait for the hordes outside your barricades to gracefully decompose on their own, but they’re also very useful as both medicinal items and weapons. The last thing you want during a zombie attack when hospital access is most likely going to be limited is for a minor scrape or cut to become infected. Pour a little of the hard stuff in the wound before bandaging. (If the wound is a Zombie bite, you might as well just drink the bottle, your number is up, pal.)And of course, hard alcohol also burns, but much more readily and spectacularly than cooking oils. If the swarm outside gets a little too rowdy, a few well served Molotov cocktails might be just what the Dr. ordered to calm things down a bit.
- Canned Fish and Shellfish:
These provisions will not only help to keep you alive in the long run, but the cans and leftover oils themselves have a very important use for those trying to avoid joining the legions of the walking dead. Since Zombies hunt by instinct alone, the smell of open sardine and oyster tins will do wonders to help mask the smell of farm-raised human from the newly raised top of the food chain. Placing the tins full of leftover bits in windows and near doorways to cover your scent might just buy you a little extra sleep and a few extra days for the grizzly beasties outside to find themselves another living person to harass.
- Canning Jars:
Don’t just toss your canning jars and other glass containers once you’ve used the contents. We’re dealing with zombies here, not the special forces. Place old, used glass containers at the entrances to your refuge, preferably at the top of any inclines you’ve already got well slicked up with cooking oils or shortening and surrounded by old sardine cans. Any undead brain mangler that manages to work its way through your first obstacle will plod right through the glass, making more than enough of a racket to get your attention. This will give you the time you need to get that cocktail ready for your new guest.
- Canned Meats and Vegetables:
If you’re planning to survive until help arrives or nature simply erodes the problem for you, canned food and provisions are going to be your best friend in a number of ways. first, you’ve got to eat. Secondly, a good heavy can of tomatoes or green beans makes a perfect improvised implement of blunt trauma if. If, for some reason you’ve failed to keep the buggers out of your hidey-hole and you’re out of the fixin’s for another fire bomb, the cans can be used to render their grey matter of little use to them or anyone else. This is an action preferably taken from a distance, so practice your aim!Also, the nice sharp edges of any removed can-tops can be folded into various shapes and strewn amongst your glass warning system, which will further slow any non-shod undead attempting to make an unwelcome visit to your inner sanctum.
- Duck Liver Pate:
I’m not saying that his is a common pantry item, but if you happen to have some lying around, it will be a great benefit to both your survivability and your morale. Zombies, not being the brightest of predators, can’t really tell the difference between one piece of organ meat and another. A little bit of pate and an improvised slingshot can provide hours of fun. Just lob little bits of pate onto the heads of passing zombies from a second-story window or rooftop and watch their decaying brethren do your hob for you as they crack the skull of the unsuspecting pate-wearer.And hey, if you happen to have a few crackers lying about, you can get a great snack in as well!
- Rotten Onions:
I’m sure that at the beginning of the outbreak, all of the onions in your pantry are going to be nice and fresh, but a few weeks in you’ll probably notice that a few have gone a little rancid. Don’t throw these away! Place the onions at the end of a sharp stick, then slap it into the face of any undead that manage to slip into your hideout. The scent of rotting onion will render their sense of smell useless. You can then poke out whatever remains of their eyes with the stick, turn them around and slide them back down your greased access ramp with a little dab of pate on their head.
- Cardboard and Paper Packaging:
While these things might have been considered nothing more than recyclable waste in the pre-zombie world, they are absolute lifesavers in cold months of the world A.Z. (After Zombie.) Thinner paper and tissue packaging have obvious uses for personal hygiene, and thicker cardboard and paper are great ways to get a fire going, an essential tool for heating foods and preventing frostbite if you are in a colder climate.Note: This author is hopeful that the outbreak will occur in the hotter months of the year, as higher temperatures and humidity are actually the allies of the living and breathing in the battle against the walking dead. Cold inhibits decay, and the last thing we want is for those soulless critters to have a lovely refrigerated environment to keep them shambling around longer, but it is always best to be prepared.
I hope these little tips will help you if you find yourself in a zombie infested area with only pantry ingredients to assist you in your fight for the survival of the human race. Of course preparedness is key and I highly recommend having a more aggressively zombie unfriendly arsenal at your disposal.
A collection of beetles is always good, as they can strip down entire hordes of the undead faster than a gatling gun on a good day. In marshy areas, crayfish are great deterrents to zombies as well.
As far as home protection goes, give my friend Johnny Three-fingers a call at 1-555-GUN-SHACK for all your small arms needs. Tell him Jerry sent you and he’ll give you a slight discount and probably not charge quite as much protection money.
Have a great day everyone, and make sure Pate is on the shopping list!